I keep memories, good ones especially.
There are a few things that I dare not touch since I came back from UK because I don't wanna remind myself about the past even though the past was good and get myself stuck in the past.
The first thing is the song 'Follow Your Arrow' by Kacey Musgraves.
Jasmine had me listen to this song when I went over to visit her in Manchester in June after my exam. I remember crying a little while listening to this song because I was so depressed at that time. That was the time when I feel like I should give everything a try before I am too old for it.
Before that I have never get drunk because I did not know how is my alcohol tolerance, so I got drunk that night.
Before that I had never gone to club properly under the influence of alcohol so I did that night.
Before that I have never kissed an angmo so I kissed that night.
Before that I have never experience hangover and I had it the next day. (now I know it sucks!)
I did basically everything that night and next 3 days continuously because I wanted to. It felt like we have just recovered from the hangover and the next hour we already are dressing up to go out. That was insane!
I feel like there was so much going on in this song other than what it actually means and hearing the melody of it takes me back to all those things. The song means so much to me, I learnt a lot from it.
The second thing is a blue sleeveless top with crossed spaghetti strap.
It was the top that I bought for my 2016 birthday and I wore it to Formby Beach where I spent my birthday with Tom on the beach.
We had donuts, loads of it (although I only had 3 because I was so nervous hahaha).
We watched the sunset.
We kissed under the sunset.
We walked along the beach.
He hugged me on my shoulders from behind in the train station before sending me off.
My birthday that year was incredible.
So whenever I see the blue top in my wardrobe I will think of my birthday. It will remind me how we used to snap and talk to each other, and now we don't even snap each other anymore. And it reminds me how stupid I was to believe that we will keep in touch for a very long time but in fact we stopped keeping in touch after 2 months I am back.
I used to keep reminiscing the good time we have spent together either on the beach, in Mei Mei or at my place. But I later figured out that I can't keep doing this anymore, I need to move on. The first part that I don't wear the top anymore is I don't want to create new memory with this top and I wanna keep this top with Tom in the picture for the rest of my life. And then the second part is I have decided to move on so I don't want this top to keep me thinking about the past, therefore I don't wear it anymore.
The third thing is a Victoria Secret perfume, Bombshell.
I got this in June 2016 after exam and started using it when I have moved to Myrtle Parade in August. Basically I used it when going on all the dates.
I don't use it anymore because it reminds how unusual I was to do all the unusual things that I have never done. I must be insane that time to go on so many dates with strangers Holy Shit.
I remember me walking down to Tesco to get myself a Prosseco and finished the whole bottle up before going on my first date.
I remember spam spraying it all over my light blue shirt before picking Tom up from the train station for the first time.
I remember having it on while Tom and I walked down to Greggs to get sausage roll as breakfast.
I remember walking in my university while Tom resting his arm on my head.
I remember wearing it to go on a date with Matt immediately Tom left.
I remember having tea and scones with Chin Yee in our favourite tea room, Chubert's.
I remember doing all the moving all on my own because my friends all left.
I remember having the worst fever and sore throat ever.
I remember walking to Zang Ji just like that for it's 水煮牛肉，蒜泥白肉 and 老厨白菜.
I remember myself feeling like not cooking at all in that month.
I have totally forgotten the smell of Bombshell so I quickly pick it up and smell it again. Oh God, it's the days when I was in Myrtle Parade. I can still remember the arrangement in that room, the smell of the toilet and where I placed the perfume. I have a lot of memories with this perfume.
I remember one time when I am already back in Malaysia, I accidentally picked it and sprayed it all over. I had so much thoughts that day and then I realised I still am not ready to wear this perfume again. There is no specific reason why I don't use it anymore, it's just I am still not ready yet.
I am sensitive towards everything not limited to only these 3 things or things that I have brought back from UK specifically. I have tried to slowly let things go and urge myself to move on but it takes time, not for me to forget things but for good new memories to come in and replace the old ones.
Love,
Xiaohui
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